This is NOT a record of my life, these are NOT my 'inner secrets'.
These are... I don't know what they are.
But I think that in publicising my confusions in an incomplete manner, I misrepresent myself here. That is, in receiving little to no feedback (on average), I do not gain insight about you, nor our relationship, whileyour perception of me changes on these incomplete and easily-misunderstood messages. For strangers, these words serve their purpose (none), but for those I care about and are close to me, they do more (e.g. cause pain) than I ever intended.
Thus, they have to stop.
And they are stopping.
So thank you to everyone who has followed this blog thus far, but I think I need to take a break from these writings. Plus, I don't have enough time. Plus, what is honesty and transparency anyway? Just appropriateness?
OK, I was going to close this blog for good - partly because MC suggested I should and partly because I felt that I couldn't really talk about anything that was on my mind on here anymore. But then I figured, hey - I've thought these things through, so I might as well stick it up here for future reference or, maybe hey, someone else might actually find it useful, whether for its strings or gaps.
Lately, I've feeling really bad about myself and confused over balancing the Fid and experiencing life, with
severe doubts over my aptitude as a scientist/intelligent person
some anxiety over my close-to-absent social life and loneliness
Not that I'm just sitting here, worrying and doing nothing. I'm trying to do things for both the PhD and my social life, but whether or not these efforts will bear fruit remains to be seen.
So, even this morning, I was thinking,
am I able to do this? why am I doing this? maybe I should settle for something "less" and stop trying to be something (i.e. smart and creative) that I am not
my sups think I'm stupid
I am stupid
maybe being labelled as smart was causing me to put extra pressure on myself?
maybe all the signs up until now have been wrong - I've just 'hacked' my way through the system, appearing 'smart'
I feel left out of the lab circle because my intellectual-potential is no longer seen as on par
why don't I share my ideas as much anymore? what use are they in my book?
do I feel left out because I am female?
why do I feel bad about being female?
why do I worry so much? is this good or just a waste of time?
is this my weakness, my Achille's heel? will my self-doubt limit my progress?
why does my timidness result in others thinking I'm aloof?
why do I have no close relationships?
why do I not trust people and how is it that I am gullible at the same time?
But it's sort of like, well, if I'm really that useless, then I might as well be dead. And I'm not dead. And I don't want to be dead.
So, today my mind rearranged itself (without much conscious effort from me, thank goodness):
given that I am the way that I am, it's basically a miracle that the lab hasn't kicked me out yet (thank god, I probably wouldn't do a PhD anywhere else)
also, it has sort of been me kicking myself out
I need to stop being scared
despite my deficiencies, everyone is so willing to help and I am grateful for that
at least there is a hope that I will be smart one day (better than no hope)
at least my friends are still with me, even though I don't have much time for them
and sometimes I'm friendly, because I forget to be self-conscious
and sometimes I'm cold because I suddenly feel extreme fear of the outside world
at least there is a hope that one day I won't feel like such an alien here
at least I can still laugh at myself
Well, I'm glad I've sort of figured this out (again). I was feeling like there was no-one to talk to and I didn't want to blog about either because it was just so full of self-pity, confused thoughts/feelings and none of that is useful. I guess for some reason I thought I'd be resistant to this sort of self-doubt and self-denial of faith in oneself. I thought that because I'd been there before (long-term feelings of being unwanted and undeserving, as well as rapid drops in self-confidence/rises in self-doubt/paranoia), I'd be able to handle it easily. I guess I didn't really think that through - how was I going to handle it? I am not resistant, I still have to deal with it. So, I guess last time(s) I dealt with it by changing my perspective.
Sometimes I wonder whether that's just fooling myself. Maybe AB was right afterall with her horrified reaction to my choosing Science. But then people only judge by comparing with their understanding of their experiences and themselves. Some people tell me I am meticulous, prompt, logical/analytical, cold or calm under stressful situations, while some people tell me I have my head in the clouds, a free spirit, am creative, warm or a drama queen. Sometimes I think, 'what does it matter why non-parametric is different to parametric? what does it matter that different people prefer different programming languages?' but then sometimes I get that buzz from asking, 'which is more efficient/precise/accurate? why is it like that? yes or no or maybe? by how much? how about this? how about that?'
So, in summary:
stop being nervous
keep trying
remember to be grateful
stop drinking coffee
get some freaking sleep
True what AC said, "Cherrie, just relax and you will fly through" and BC with Queen Kong conquering 'WGC', 'varsity', 'the world' and 'happiness'. How sweet and teaching me with words written... 5 years ago. Shit, I've been away from home for 5 years. I guess the biggest thing I miss about that is constantly chasing my Mum for hugs, after learning (at16, 17?) that I could actually hug my parents.
Well, on my way to buy apples (because you know I love apples), I looked up at the starless (city) sky and saw the crescent moon smiling. How appropriate!
I guess one day I'll feel like all of this, this experience, is mine. But my intrinsic liberal nature has never really owned anything, has it?
Sunday morning rain is falling Steal some covers share some skin Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable You twist to fit the mould that I am in
But things just get so crazy Living life gets hard to do And I would gladly hit the road Get up and go if I knew That someday it would lead me back to you That someday it would lead me back to you
That may be all I need In darkness she is all I see Come and rest your bones with me Driving slow on Sunday morning And I never want to leave
Fingers trace your every outline Paint a picture with my hands And back and forth we sway Like branches in a storm Change of weather Still together when it ends
That may be all I need In darkness she is all I see Come and rest your bones with me Driving slow on Sunday morning And I never want to leave
But things just get so crazy Living life gets hard to do Sunday morning rain is falling And I'm calling out to you Singing someday it will bring me back to you Find a way to bring myself back home to you
You may not know That may be all I need In darkness she is all I see Come and rest your bones with me Driving slow on Sunday morning Driving slow, yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah
There's a flower in your hair I'm a flower in your hair
Moderate quake hits northeastern Bangladesh
2 hours ago
A shallow, 4.9-magnitude earthquake hit northeastern Bangladesh early Sunday, meteorologists said.
The US Geological Survey (USGS) said the quake was centred 115 kilometres (70 miles) north of the capital Dhaka at a depth of 5.2 kilometres and struck at 12:51 am (1851 GMT Saturday).
There were no reports of any damage or casualties, but the tremor was felt in Dhaka and a police spokesman in Mymensingh, the district nearest the epicentre, told AFP it sparked panic there.
A meteorologist at Bangladesh's Storm Warning Centre said it had measured the quake at 5.6 on the Richter scale, according to local media reports.
Bangladesh last month announced plans to step up its earthquake response contingency plans.
The South Asian nation sits on active tectonic plates and is frequently jolted by tremors. The last major earthquake struck in 1896.
Italy declares state of emergency over immigration
Saturday, 26 July , 2008, 16:40
Rome: The Italian government announced a nationwide state of emergency on Saturday in reaction to a phenomenal increase in illegal immigration to the country's south.
The Silvio Berlusconi government's move is to provide local authorities with greater means to deal with the rising tide of illegals arriving by boat.
Interior Minister Roberto Maroni plans to build new intake centres throughout the country, the daily La Repubblica reported.
Also in the news: Anxiety in Bangalore a day after terror blasts | Column: Heroes of a devil's democracy
According to the interior ministry, nearly 11,000 people illegally migrated to Italy in the first half of 2008, twice as many that came in the same period in 2007.
The Italian government called a state of emergency with a wave of refugees in 2002 and it was renewed annually - even under the centre-left government of Romano Prodi. As the intake centres in February 2008 seemed sufficient, the Prodi government limited the emergency measures to the three southern regions of Calabria, Sicily and Puglia. The Berlusconi government at the behest of the Interior Ministry has now widened the powers to the entire country.
Warning of the introduction of a "police state," the country's opposition attacked the measures sharply, calling them abhorrent. "Italy does not need inhuman and extraordinary measures," said parliamentarian Rocco Buttiglione, the Turin-based newspaper La Stampa reported on Saturday.
In response, Maroni criticised what he claimed was the opposition intention to make the state of emergency seem like an entirely new development, and called the opposition position "the worst Italian politics."
The Interior Minister is to face Parliament on Tuesday.
Berlusconi, who was elected Prime Minister in April, had declared the fight against illegal immigration a priority. A first step was the passage this week of a package of new security laws brought forward by the conservative government.
The number of illegal immigrants in Italy is estimated at around 650,000. Tens of thousands of refugees attempt the dangerous journey in less-than-seaworthy boats from North Africa into southern Europe each year.
Overnight another 73 would-be immigrants arrived in two boats at the Italian island of Lampedusa.
Of My Own Ignorance and Doubting My Abilities to Reduce It
Learning is like washing your clothes. Every week there's a new load - you wish you could do say, +3 loads and thereby free yourself for 2 weeks, but you just can't do that. Likewise with learning, you can't be ahead of it. You can't know what you need to know to make that connection and/or discovery. So I guess, go as broad and as deep as you can. But tens of papers later (within this week or so), I feel not very much enlightened.
My 'week' has included (for my future self or any other Fid students wanting to know how round-about one can be):
object-based programming (which actually sounds like Actionscript in Flash and the reusable objects, seem, in theory, to be v. economical - but I'm forever duplicating objects in Flash, when I should just create instances... but maybe I'm just confused)
'Does science make God obsolete?' (Templeton series; sort of odd question with loaded connotations/intentions, so just skimmed - heaps of them were cop-outs, even Pinker and Hitchens' were disappointing, but I quite enjoyed Sapolsky,
"So why is belief still relevant? To this I'd offer a very a-scientific answer. It is for the ecstasy...I mean those instances where you're suffused with gratitude for life and experience and the chance to do good, where every neuron is flooded with the momentness of feeling the breeze on its cellular cheek. A scientist... may feel ecstatic about a finding...but science...is not very good at producing ecstasy...(and) there are good arguments to be made for why science shouldn't do ecstasy...By contrast, the potential for ecstasy is deeply intertwined with religiosity...This may seem an unfair tilting of the debate against science...But building your life's explanations around science isn't a profession. It is, at its core, an emotional contract, an agreement to only derive comfort from rationality...The world would not be a better place without ecstasy, but it would be one if there wasn't religion. But don't expect science to fill the hole that would be left behind, or to convince you that there is none."
... because as you know, I'm quite inclined to believe there is no hole, or rather the hole is not real even if it is perceived to exist.
Frequentist vs. Bayesian view on probability (thought it might have been useful, probably a waste of time)
Binomial distributions/quantised events
decision theory (again, probably a waste of time)
differential equations (again, I thought this might help, but maybe not. At least I can do those Bernoulli ones now)
'stimulated emission', 'non-linear refractive index media/gain media/Kerr lens modelocking, self-focussing' (new terms I learnt just today... maybe except the first one :S)
On top of those, thinking about my actual experiments (which was actually sort of fun). I sort of don't know what to expect of myself, so I'm getting extremely tired from non-stop trying to understand things, but someone always raises something else I've never met. I'm just sort of annoyed that I don't seem to know anything useful... but I guess I'm just doing very wide helices and hopefully I will converge soon towards an answer or at least coherence...
Hmm... but I just thought of something practical I can do tomorrow.
Of Realities As We Age (Human Nature/Nature)
fear of abandonment/loneliness as very real as we move away from the protection and unconditional love of our parents and family
vanity in being desired as a real and very basic mode of motivation
helplessness and insignificance in the vast world, yet at the same time, immense power and influence that can be exerted by an individual
others with thoughts like you, but also with thoughts very unlike you and some intricate pattern of such thoughts and tendencies create those that you gravitate towards
limitless people to meet, yet only a few will really be there
selfishness as a neutral and expected quality
Lately I've been trying to understand why people apparently become needy for companionship as they age, but I guess from the points noted above, it's really a combination of our moving away from established filial (and other) ties and recognition/allowance of our own vanity/selfishness, so it's like an unmasking of need, not development of.
I don't know if these thoughts are stupid or not. I don't know how it compares with the rest of the population of xy-year olds or if that matters. I don't know if I am actually smart, I just know I want to do better than this. I don't know if I am strange, but I know that when I look at my life, it's nothing like my friends'. But I suppose theirs' are not like each others', either. I guess I want to sort of know that I am leading it in the right way, though I don't know that anyone else can make that judgement but me. Still, it would be interesting to see what the world sees. I suspect a vastly different figure.
It's been hailing/raining all morning. It was some sort of mockery of the fact that I haven't expressed myself freely for some time. Further, I realised that I don't know how to live in a way that I truly find enjoyable (as opposed to changing my perspective/adapting, which I'm quite good at). I know how to get things done very well (i.e. reach a desired outcome), but how to I get my life lived?
I Don't Feel Like Dancin' - Scissor Sisters
Wake up in the morning with a head like ‘what ya done?’ This used to be the life but I don’t need another one. You like cuttin’ up and carrying on, you wear them gowns. So how come I feel so lonely when you’re up getting down?
So I'll play along when I hear that special song I’m gonna be the one who gets it right. You'd better move when you're swayin’ round the room Looks like the magic's only ours tonight
[Chorus:] But I don’t feel like dancin’ When the old Joanna plays My heart could take a chance But my two feet can’t find a way You'd think that I could muster up a little soft-shoe gentle sway But I don’t feel like dancin’ No sir, no dancin’ today. Don’t feel like dancin’, dancin’ Even if I find nothin' better to do Don’t feel like dancin’, dancin’ Why’d you break it down when I’m not in the mood? Don’t feel like dancin’, dancin’ I'd rather be home with no-one, if I can't get down with you.
Cities come and cities go just like the old empires When all you do is change your clothes and call that versatile. You got so many colours make a blind man so confused. Then why can’t I keep up when you’re the only thing I lose?
So I’ll just pretend that I know which way to bend And I’m gonna tell the whole world that you’re mine. Just please understand, when I see you clap your hands If you stick around I’m sure that I'll be fine
[Chorus]
You can’t make me dance around But your two-step makes my chest pound. Just lay me down As you float away into the shimmer light.
The Sound Of Silence - Brooke Fraser Originally recorded by Simon & Garfunkel
Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again, Because a vision, softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping, And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone, 'Neath the halo of a street lamp, I turned my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night And touched the sound of silence.
And in the naked light I saw Ten thousand people, maybe more. People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening, People writing songs that voices never share And no-one dared Disturb the sound of silence.
"Fools," said I, "you do not know Silence like a cancer grows. Hear my words that I might teach you, Take my arms that I might reach you." But my words like silent raindrops fell, And echoed In the wells of silence.
And the people bowed and prayed To the neon God they made. And the sign flashed its warning, In the words that it was forming. And the signs said, "the words of the prophets Are written on the subway walls And tenement halls. And whispered in the sounds of silence."
Many people now live in a world where a lot of their social connections take place online. With the advent in Facebook, the web is now a hub for our real social lives. Most people appreciate the tools that platforms such as Facebook & MySpace provide to facilitate a richer life in the real world.
I personally use Facebook daily, for various reasons. From a simple status update to inform friends of something on my mind to writing on a contact's wall or sending personal messages rather than using email. If I travel I will most often post photos I take to Facebook and it's a great way to remember when people's birthdays are coming up (TakingITGlobal also does this!). The longer you use a website like Facebook, the more intertwined our personal lives get with this online social universe.
Tonight I was reading a tech blog only to realise when I came to the latest post that the author had actually died. This struck me somewhat and planted a thought in my head: What happens to our online identity when we die? Face it, we're all heading to the same destination (death), regardless of what you believe happens afterwards. When death strikes a regular Facebook (or other social networking site) user, how will our contacts know and what should happen to everything we have published online?
I guess to an extent, the answers to these questions are individual to each of us. Perhaps there should be a mechanism for close (and nominated) relatives/friends to inform all of the websites of which the deceased was a member. Or perhaps it's up to us to 'leave the keys' to all of our online spaces to a designated person for he/she to inform should we pass away.
This is something which will evolve with the development of the way we use the internet in our personal lives. For now though, maybe I should stop being so morbid...
Today it feels like I've hit a brick wall. I could attribute it to a lack of enough caffeine, but I've had 300mg so far which is enough to get my going. But it's just not happening today. This effects many things, not least work, which is important.
Time to find some (legal & healthy of course) stimulants...
Oh my god, the deceit and misuse are so glaringly obvious now - how could I not have seen it before? I don't know what to do - retreat or fight? Can I do anything? What are the chances that an army of one will win? Can I even fathom a winning situation?
The worst always comes from the inside. And the ticker within counting each one shakes my whole soul, but I was defiant. Yet now I know I should have let go a long time ago.
Food for thought or food for survival? ... though the creation of thought is definitely dependent and influenced by the presence /absence / quantity or quality of food .
The first half of my day was spent casually going about my reading and other mundane chores and anticipating the culinary delights that I might be savouring in the evening.
So much was the anticipation that I and my friend practically starved ourselves thinking about the treat..."we better prepare ourselves ...adjust the space in our tummies... make way for the excess calories that were going to be added in the evening"...
Ah ...well the wait for the food stretched so much that sitting in the restaurant we could think of nothing but food....food that was travelling from the kitchen to the tables with eagerly awaiting palates, ready to gobbled, munched or chewed carefully( depending upon on the time-lapse between their previous bite).
For a moment we looked at each other, sparks flying????
...ummm no ...
we just couldn't take our mind off food...we just smiled .... " Ohh I wish the order comes or I swear I am going to snatch that next plate that passes by me! " screamed my "on-the-verge-of-a-major-social-breakdown" friend.
no it doesn't work!!!!....
the aroma of freshly baked cakes with pinguedinous layers just filled my senses immediately reminding me that our order had still not arrived...
I looked at my companion who had turned atrabilious for the lack of food and summoned up the greatest gravitas that I could accomodate on my face in that situation and enquired about our order to which I got a polite but firm reply that "'it's almost ready ma'am".
It's cold! I went for a run today and as I was coming back along the waterfront, it started raining, then hailing! Apart from the fact I couldn't feel my fingers, it was actually pretty fun. I love storm rain - I like the volume, the sound, the uniformity. Anyway, just a quick update on things that have happened of late:
lab dinner at De Fontein for YJ's departure - very nice, but extremely expensive! It was also v. cool to have RH there and also to go to Movenpick afterwards...
driving with ND - v. awesome
breakfast at Cima with KO - also v. awesome
lots of marking - but it's sort of fun
chill-out at the PGSA thing on Friday - it was actually a good opportunity to catch up with everyone and I am sort of feeling better now that I've figured out what's been bothering one of my friends and now I can work out exactly what to do
